Do you sometimes wonder, like I do, if one day our world will be run by smart robots? Developments in Artificial Intelligence increasingly endeavor to decipher the governing properties of the human mind and create machines in the image of humans.
I hope that these machines won’t be as evil as presented in some science-fiction. What alarms me more is to what extent we, humans, resemble computers. Just like computers we are being run by the scripts encoded into us. Wars, social injustice and much of our collective and individual misery results from the fact that we are being programmed a certain way and we don’t even realize that.
So today I would like to invite you to contemplate together our computerized ‘condition’ and what we can do about it.
The matrix
Our programming begins even before we are born. And here genetic codes play a significantly smaller role than psychological and emotional algorithms. The matrix is provided by our parents and grandparents, as well as society at large. Without consciously knowing it we inherit their anxieties, preconceptions, taboos and values.
Furthermore our early interaction with the world serves as a mirror through which our self-perception is formed. And if the mirror is distorted (as unfortunately is often the case) we end up with all kinds of insecurities and misconceptions about ourselves. They generate fear and mistrust. They stop us from opening up and reaching out. They inhibit our growth and limit our self-fulfillment in life.
So what can we do?
Opening to change
I would say we need to rebel! Like ‘Neo,’ the protagonist of The Matrix film, we can try and undo the programming that keeps us under control. But first we need to realize that our reality is not the actual reality, but in many ways is an illusion created by the innumerous complex scripts. We need to really see it.
Awareness is the key to success in this process. We need to become aware of what scripts are running us and how they operate. Only then can we stand a chance to break free from them and move forward.
Of course, if we continue the computer analogy, we may say that what we are doing is just a re-programming: replacing the old script with the new one. But this is not entirely so because in the process we learn to be open to change. And such an ability of continuous self-evolvement from within is something that computers don’t possess.
Opening to change may be unnerving and one has to be motivated enough to face the challenge… But if there is a part of you that feels curious please read on and see how the free spirit within you responds to it.
Safety maps
We are hardwired for safety. The need to be safe is linked directly with the survival instinct and is, of course, very important. However, there is a catch as we tend to associate the safe with the familiar – even when the familiar is not really safe, if we look at it objectively.
It may sound like a paradox, but consider, for example, this pattern. Why do so often people who have been abused (emotionally or physically) as children end up in a relationship with somebody who continues to abuse them in a similar way?
I don’t believe that these people consciously or subconsciously ‘attract’ such partners. They don’t want to be abused again! But their ‘alarm system’ is impaired because they have been used to certain types of behavior that other people won’t tolerate. So they miss the first warning signals and go headlong into the trap. Thus for some people a person with unstable moods and a tendency to ‘flip’ will be a definite ‘no-no’ while others will just take it as something they can manage because their father or mother were like that.
The misleading subconscious association of the safe with the familiar can also prevent us from speaking up for ourselves, having fulfilling relationships or getting a dream job.
If someone grew up in a house where emotional expression was not encouraged he or she will later have difficulties emotionally connecting with other people. It won’t feel safe.
Or if one’s parent had been prone to outbursts of anger the child would often adopt a strategy of being quiet to keep out of trouble. And that would be just the right strategy for the child. But then the child becomes an adult who cannot face conflict situations or express his or her needs for the fear of provoking anger.
Safety maps, as with all maps, need to be constantly revised because the territory is changing continuously. What has been a desert yesterday may be a rapid stream today and we need to be able to recognize the change and to find a new strategy for navigating it.
Inherited beliefs
To a greater extent than we realize we are prisoners to the ideas handed down to us by parents, teachers, media, magazines or books. For the most part, we didn’t consciously choose our values – we have inherited them and adopted them for our own. And we rarely question them until we face some deep crisis that turns our world upside down.
One of the great “bookish” beliefs that I held on to for a long time was an idea that “true love” can only happen once and it lasts forever. Because of that belief I used to have a great difficulty of letting go (within myself) of relationships that have already ended. I felt that by doing so I would be betraying myself and my ‘everlasting love.’
Our inherited ideas are usually very rigid and black and white. There is ‘good’ and ‘bad,’ ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and very little gray area. This dualism is also linked to safety because we derive comfort from sorting things neatly and clearly into fixed little boxes. This is how we deal with the anxiety of uncertainty and the pain of impermanence.
Where to start?
It may be a good idea to start questioning our everyday behaviour, our ideals, common truths — everything. Imagine that you are an alien who has landed on this planet and is trying to make sense of what is going on, not take anything for granted. What do you do? Why do you do it this way and not another? Why do you believe certain things to be good or positive and other things to be bad or negative?
Turn it upside down, give it a shake and take a fresh look. Reawaken the inquisitive child within you and learn anew to ask questions, even about the simplest and seemingly obvious things. Don’t be afraid! At this point you don’t need to change anything in your beliefs or in your ways. Simply become open to the idea that different perspectives are possible.
It can be immensely helpful to talk things through with a person who is not afraid of asking difficult questions and doesn’t leap up with ready-to-hand advice. Psychotherapy or counselling provides a safe space for such an exploration. And if you have friends who can become your companions on the journey by all means do engage their support.
It may also be useful to keep a diary of recurring thoughts and emotions. I have created a simple Word template for this purpose which many of my clients have found helpful. If you are interested please feel free to send me a request and I will email it to you.
Success with your journey!
Ludmila
Emotional co-dependency: Why do we get stuck in dysfunctional relationships
As always, a great post to read and reflect on one’s own behavior. In my experience, the covert abusers don’t come through as evil people. On the contrary, they’re charismatic, charming, keen to help and are good listeners. They skillfully weave a net around you, creating their own fake persona until you’re hooked. Then and only then, do they slowly let their guards down where their true selves emerge, pushing your boundaries slowly but methodically. So the victim’s boundaries eventually erode. Did I see the red flags? Of course I did. Did I get angry? Yes, I did. Did I confront them? Yes, I did. But then why didn’t I leave? I don’t have a good answer for that. I didn’t perceive their actions as abusive because I thought abusive relationships were those of extreme violence, as portrayed by the media. They showed rather odd behaviors, that I was not exposed to at home. At home, my physical needs were met but my emotional needs were ignored. So when I confronted my carer I was ridiculed or they got very angry. Maybe this is where the similarities lie.
Hi Tammy, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences. It is a very poignant story… And you have made an important point noting that abusers may hide their true personality until they get you properly hooked. Yet, as you said, the red flags begin to show at some point and then the question is how much we can take on before our cup is full and we leave. And this depends on how well our emotional needs have been met during our childhood. If we have been treated with respect and warm acceptance we would require the same attitude from our partner (or in any other relationship). This would be the norm for us. But if our carers (as, sadly, happened in your case) respond to us with anger and ridicule, the ‘norm’ will be different and so will be our boundaries and limits to what is acceptable. John Bradshaw in his book on toxic shame classifies any kind of emotional maltreatment (including neglect) as abuse. I think it is very important to raise people’s awareness to the nature of emotional abuse because, as you rightly noted, we tend to associate abuse with physical violence while emotional violence often goes unnoticed.