Let’s face it, Christmas family reunions can be rather challenging for many people. Family dynamics are never simple at any season but Christmas, with the added pressure of cultural expectation to live up to the ‘happy family’ ideal, can exacerbate the difficulties sevenfold. Over the last month many of my clients were voicing their worries about the imminent family gathering and based on our conversations I put together this very concise guide with Christmas dinner survival tips.
1. Anticipate
As we know, “to be prepared is half the victory.” When we know what kind of pain to expect and in what context we may be better able to minimise its impact and deflect the hurt. Like when we are going to a dentist or getting a jab – we anticipate what is coming and this knowledge helps us to be more resilient. Similarly, with family gatherings. Think ahead of the possible jabs that might be directed at you. Perhaps someone in your family is known to stick certain unpleasant labels to you? Do they call you ‘selfish’ or a ‘bore’? Make a list of all the usual labels so that when hurled at you these jabs don’t catch you off guard. Identify in advance any other typical familial patterns of behaviour which hurt you and rub you up the wrong way and watch out for them.
2. Distance
Being squeezed into a box of somebody’s limited perception can be very painful. Realising that this perception has much more to do with them than with you may help at least to take the edge of that pain. People tend to categorise. This is how we operate. And the simpler the categories are the easier it is for our brain to make sense of things while sparing us uncomfortable reflections and self-doubt. What categories we create and impose on others is determined by our own perceptual filters, desires and ‘stuff’ which we project on others. Therefore if your mother calls you ‘selfish’ this is very likely not an accurate expression of who you are. More probably it is an expression of her frustration about some of her needs and expectations not being met. Name calling serves both to express her disappointment and to press your buttons in the hope to make you do what she wants. Ask yourself what may be the underlying (often unconscious) motives behind a person sticking a label on you or criticising you? Remind yourself that you are not and cannot be defined by labels and distance yourself from the murky vortex of other people’s minds.
3. Observe with compassion
Have you ever noticed how being around the dinner table with your parents and your siblings changes your behaviour? Before you know it, you are acting like a 10 year old, being sucked back into the old patterns of interaction which you thought you’ve outgrown. You don’t recognise yourself and you wish you could snap out of it but… you can’t! It’s a bit like being trapped in a nightmare!
Family dynamics are very hard to change. Fixed roles that have been assigned ages ago and never since revised presuppose that everybody plays his/her part. Every member is a cog in the complex mechanism of the family that keeps it ticking. Any attempt to change the shape and place of the cog will be met with resistance as it threatens the whole system as well as the self-perception of each individual involved. Therefore try not to be too hard on yourself if you do not succeed in avoiding slipping into the patterns of behaviour that you yourself don’t like. Instead treat yourself with compassion. Recognize how hard the task is and use the situation as an opportunity to observe and learn more about yourself and your hidden strings as nobody knows how to pull them better than your close family!
The Strong, the Weak and the Vulnerable
